Person: the Serial Quitter.
Identified by: Facebook status updates that read like a suicide note, “I can’t take it anymore. People who I thought were my friends aren’t. I’m quitting Facebook.” These status updates are not a desperate cry for help, they’re a pathetic cry for affirmation.
Remedy: the exact opposite of dealing with someone threatening suicide. Do NOT embrace them. In fact, if you really want to mess with them, reply, “Okay, thanks for the heads up. I’m going to go ahead and un-tag you from my photos and drop your profile from my list.” Make sure they don’t have any prescription pills or guns in their house first.
Person: Zero to Hero (and back to zero)
Identified by: Facebook profile consisting of 487 pictures of himself shirtless. This is the profile of the guy who bloomed late, like probably in his mid-30s, after spending most of his high-school years failing his driving test and collecting Garbage Pail Kids cards. Status updates are about: his truck, his beer, his hunting trip, women, his barbecue skills, his always right political views, and his irrepressibly optimistic view on life. Comments on “friends” status usually involve name-calling or put-downs.
Remedy: Upload photos of him from the school yearbook. You know, like the one of him in freshman year in his swimming trunks.
Person: The Always Right(wing)
Identified by: This Facebooker is constantly spouting off about how obviously superior their political stance is, and how everyone who thinks otherwise is a complete fuckwit. This person isn’t necessarily right-wing, just RIGHT, DAMMIT and you better not even THINK of having an opinion about it!!! Incapable of having an intelligent conversation. Usually a shitty speller and a total stoner.
Remedy: You can’t argue with this tool, but they are easily manipulated. The end result is always the same — the internet equivalent of screaming and foaming at the mouth, IN ALL CAPS!!!!! In fact, most of their status updates are in all caps. Wind this one up and watch them go, by posting a quote from the Random Political Rhetoric Generator on their wall.
Person: The Self-Professed Bitch (or Asshole)
Identified by: These people profess Bitch or Asshole status throughout their Facebook profile. Under “workplace” they’ll list, “I’m the lead bitch at the bitch farm.” or “Asshole in charge of Assholes.” Status updates include daily affirmations of Bitchiness or Assholiness. They delusionally believe that these are positive qualities obtained through self-awareness and not giving a shit what others think of them. They also have a damn annoying love of emoticons, believing that they are actual words.
Remedy: These are the people that Facebook’s “blocking” ability is for. Watch for them in the newspapers though, listed as victims of road-rage or a mob beating.
Who did YOU meet on Facebook?