I’ve had a glass of wine but according to this am sober enough to continue. http://www.turnpike.net/~mirsky/drunk/test1.html
Recap of my week: blah blah blah OH MY GOD PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT MY BLOG! blah blah blah.
It was a record week for my blog in terms of recognition and visits. Highlights: being mentioned by Kristen Lamb, Epic Black Car, Author Chronicles, Nurture Your Books, and getting so many really encouraging comments, including one from The Bloggess. However, Dooce.com and The Pioneer Woman steered well clear of my “substitute wine for kid references” post, even though I harassed them on Twitter about it. Did they respond? No. Why? Because if you’re gonna get into a smack-down with someone, what’s scarier: swinging a baby at them or swinging the business end of a broken wine bottle at them? Once again, wine trumps babies. Booyah.
Okay, actually i'm afraid now...
(incidentally, the methed-out Google search engines will bring you to my blog if you type “grandma stripped for me” but do you think i can find images of people using babies as weapons of self-defense? screw you, google!)
Other than that, a bunch of other stuff happened. For instance, my brother and I are going to be on the Ellen show as part of a book tour for a book that we haven’t finished. cool, right?
Also, this may morph into a DAH-RUNK post.
Oh, so on Wednesday Night I went to Weight Watchers with my VBFF. First, I gained weight. I’m blaming it on the jeans, because at the other weigh-in I wore the equivalent of a pair of kleenex pants and a puff of smoke for a top. But that’s not the important part of the story. The important part is that you’re supposed to bring in canned food in the amount of your weight-loss. So, you lose a pound, you bring in a coupla cans of peaches or something. But, I gained weight. That can only mean two things — free groceries, and I’m single-handedly starving children. That’s kind of like offsetting.
On my second glass of wine, and this is officially a DAR-HUNK post! I am NO LONGER FISING MY SPELLING! Don’t be a hater.
Did i say we’re going to be on Ellen. No kidding.
So, i keep track of how people get here, and I’ve come to the conclusion that google is an acid-dropping ho who loves to give people really bad directions. For instance, here’s a list of ways people ended up on my blog:
2011-08-26 to Today
| Search | OMGWTF? |
|---|---|
| bird pie bubbler | okay, whatever |
| how to shit on people | I totally do not answer this question. |
| toothpaste cartoon | okay. |
| teresa m owen | OMG! I bet it was Ellen, looking for me. |
| i drink coffee because heroin is illegal | This is weird because it’s like I never said it but Google knew what was on my mind. |
| bugs bunny cartoon + halloween witch | Witch Hazel. The witch’s name is Witch freakin’ Hazel! |
| asshole apocalypse | Really? Because I thought I totally made that up. |
| critter whisperer | Totally |
| kim kircher | I met her once. |
| keep planking bro | Yeah, bro, please do. |
| wine spectrum | It’s safe to say that if you do a search for wine, you’ll end up here. |
| able to jump off side of pool to leisure dive | I am not |
| red dun color on a horse | got it |
| horse lying | You mean, like a horse saying, “Actually, I did NOT eat all the grain, it was the dogs!” |
| printable witch face | I don’t even know what in the hell this means. |
| witch hazel | Yes, we’ve established this already |
| granny stripped for me | Seriously, Google, W.. T.. F?? |
In other news, This Wonderful Woman and I created a collective for Non-MommyBloggers. It’s not that we don’t like mommy bloggers, it’s just that there has to be a place for bloggers who are a) female, and b)childless. So “we” (Stephanie) created I Blog About Me — IBAMOnline.com. And we pretty much kick ass. Mostly Stephanie, I just swing broken wine bottles at (holy fuck I’ve spelled people so many ways: pele, wpoeoele, peoelele) PEOPLE. I swing broken wine bottles at PEOPLE!
And that joke just got totally stupid.
This Post Brought to You By:
some really crappy wine with a kangaroo on the label
A friggin’ annoying fly in my office
three trips to the bathroom
and the letters z, eff, 17, and banana.
I drink coffee because heroin is illegal.
That was me Googling that. My bad.
ludakristen recently posted..Recap and Google is on Acid
Also, it appears your commentluv is inaccurate.
Whoa! Must be because I made you a contributor. Dangit!
First of all, I love this post.
Second of all, I already forgot what I wanted to say second of all….OH! I remember! How awesome is it that you are going to be on Ellen. That rocks y’all.
And third, can you send me the link to the store where you get your Kleenex pants? I want some a those.
Margaret recently posted..My Big Feature in Sacramento Magazine
Hilarious. “How to shit on people?” Seriously? I looked at my search terms and actually had a “Teresa M Owen”, so there. But I also had a “bad kircher” and almost everyday I get a “ski porn” or “porn teaser”, which is pretty funny. Keep up the excellent work.
Teresa, girlfriend, I have tears running down my face. You need to have be on the radio daily during rush hour putting smiles on people’s faces.
You have a gift.
Ha! Glad you like it! It’s all true, too!
Teresa M. Owen recently posted..Weekly Recap, Google’s Acid Trip, and I’m a Saucy American!